I can’t believe it’s been two years since the last time I posted. And I’d love to be able to tell you that a lot has happened and that my life has been forever changed, and all that, but I can’t. It’s been a long two years. Possibly the worst two years of my life. I have a spent a long time hiding parts of my life from everyone and anyone, but the last couple of years things have had to come out. And I guess now I’m ready to share parts of my story with the world.
Sometimes I think what my story would be like if I had to write a memoir. For the most part, my life is fairly boring. I was born and raised about 30 minutes from where I currently live. Prescott isn’t a terribly large city, mostly a geriatric community, but when I was a kid I didn’t know any better. I had a home, spent most of my time at my grandparent’s house in Chino Valley, and grew up in what most would call a tight-knit church setting.
But I’d always been the odd man out.
If I had a dollar for every time someone pointed out how weird or how different I was from normal teenage kids, I’d be rich. Unlike most girls in the area my age, I loved playing video games. You want the quickest way to my heart? Bring me something Legend of Zelda related. It led to a lot of problems when I was a teen. I didn’t struggle to be friends with boys the way that I did with other girls my age. Notably, because there weren’t many girls in the church my age at the time. My sister and I are eleven and a half months apart in age and we fought like cats and dogs. We’re just very different people. As a result, my leaders didn’t respect me or my sister. One of them openly hated me for years. I grew to hate the church.
When I say that I hated the church, I don’t mean the doctrine. I was born and raised a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I went to church because my parents told me to. Because that’s what I was supposed to do. But I noted things in my life, little miracles, that couldn’t come from anywhere else but a higher power. I love the gospel. I love learning from the scriptures and as I’ve gotten older I’ve enjoyed teaching the older teens about what I know. But I don’t often enjoy the company of other people in the church. It isn’t their fault. I’ve struggled my entire life to make and keep friends. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m left-handed and creative minded, or that chaos rules most of my life, but I’m just different. I think outside the box. Lately, I’ve noticed that comments I make at church have to be followed up with a politically correct response. I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut.
As a teenager, I struggled with the control my dad had over me. Even now I don’t know what drove me to do some of the things I did. Which sounds bad because I wasn’t rebellious at all. I didn’t drink or do drugs. I started working at the local Pac Sun in the mall when I was seventeen. I had friends in Prescott that I hung out with since we lived in Chino Valley by then and I didn’t get along with most of the girls in the ward we lived in. It’s difficult changing schools when you’re fourteen. I left all of the kids I’d known behind and struggled to make friends with anyone. Most of the people who hung around me were friends with me because they wanted to date me, or they simply put up with me because I was around. I don’t talk to any of them now. I wish I had friends from my childhood that I could still connect and reminisce with, but I just don’t.
In 2005 five I married my husband. I graduated in 2004, and in July of 2005, I had a husband. I worked as a receptionist at a physical therapy office during the day and came home to play wifey at night. Looking back, I wish that I had gone to school and done something with my life. I had started college when I met my husband. I wanted to be a paleontologist even though my mom said that I could because it would be too difficult with our religion. I wanted to study Egyptology. I wanted to be a writer. Teach English. At thirty-two, I’d go back and become a band director for a high school. I miss my marching band days and being a drum major.
Nothing about marriage is easy. As time goes on in my marriage I fall into a rhythm. If my husband doesn’t like the way I dress, I would change. If he didn’t like my makeup, I would fix it. If my hair wasn’t right, or I just felt like a ponytail, I’d change it when he came home from work. I struggled to keep the house clean. I’m a messy creature by nature. I don’t like the house to feel sterile. Like no one lives there. But I learn that it’s better to keep him happy than it is to be who I am. Easier to do what he asks than to argue.
But it presents me with a problem I didn’t understand.
To make a long story short, because I’m blathering on and it’s making me emotional, I started counseling this past year. Why? Because a couple years ago I broke down. I’ve been in an abusive marriage, but I didn’t see it. I grew accustomed to it. I haven’t had control of large portions of my life, or the support I needed, in years. If I even had it at all. I’d started working at the local Sam’s Club because let’s face it, I got myself into quite a bit of debt dealing with my emotions. It was the only thing I had control over, though I never had control over it at all. And I realized that I wasn’t happy being married. It let to my growth personally, but it also let to fights, threats of divorce, lots of unhappiness.
In the end, I started counseling and I’m working hard to get my debts paid off. It’s difficult to see when you’re in an abusive relationship, and even harder to break free of it. I’m learning and growing, figuring out who I am and what I want to be. At the same time my life broke down, I learned that the agent I’d been signed under before had been fired by some, if not all, of the authors she’d signed at the same time she signed me. It came from another author. I don’t know how true it is, I never looked into it, but I’m ready to get back to work. I’m ready to get published and make a career out of this.
So, watch out world. I’m coming for you!